Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Retro Blog!

Back before blogging was 'cool,' I still did it. Did you know that? Not all of it was good or interesting, but it's out there nontheless. So. I was reading through some old ones today and decided to re-post a blog I wrote about four years ago.  Enjoy :)  PS I did not edit this at all (as difficult as it was!) so don't judge me today for my grammar errors four years ago k?

"Until I'd Mothered..."

I remember this incident very vividly. I was going to Springfield one day about four years ago and I passed a car that had a baby strapped into the front seat. I told my mom how abominable that was. I balked at that mother, that horrible, abusive mother who would endanger her child's life by putting him in the front seat. My gosh, EVERYONE knows you are not supposed to do that! I looked down at her with my self-righteous eyes and I judged her parenting based on that one tiny second of her life.

And then I became a Mom. Before I was a mom I was sure I knew everything I needed to know to have a baby. It's so much like my profession in comparison. My previous beliefs about motherhood remind me so much of how I sat in my classes and decided what kind of teacher I would be. And then I got into the classroom and realized that every book I had read had done nothing but use up my time. None of it could have really prepared me for the task at hand. I didn't know who I was as a teacher until I taught. And I didn't know who I was as a mother until I mothered.

If I could ever find that woman I would tell her how sorry I am for judging her, for thinking I was better than her, and for looking at her like she was horrible. For I, just the other day, strapped my precious, screaming Chloe into the front seat. And I KNOW you non-Moms, and some of you Moms, are out there judging me just like I judged her. And that is fine. I guess my whole point is that I learned something about myself. I learned that mothering is not black and white.

Yes, I drove with my screaming child in the front seat. And you know what else? One time I buckled her car seat in and didn't realize until I got to the next destination that the buckles on HER were not done! And one time her socks didn't match, and another time I let her sleep on her tummy. I have at some time, whether I meant to or not, broken several of the SACRED mothering rules. And you know what? My baby looked at me tonight, smiled her biggest smile, and screamed and squealed in more delight than I have ever seen. And I realized that even though I'm not a perfect mom, I'm perfect to her, and that is all that matters. And that is all that mattered to that baby boy I saw in Springfield. And I MUST enjoy these few years of bliss before I become her arch-nemesiss in eleven years!

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