Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Pandora's Music Box

I've talked a lot about how music moves me. I love music. It can alter my mood and heal my soul. It can take me back instantly to a place and time, to a feeling, to a person. It transcends space and time. With just a few notes from "Long December" I am suddenly sixteen (and skinny!), sitting in the driver's seat of my mom's Nova, at the 4-way stop with Lindsey, giggling and sipping Sonic chocolate Coke.

Paula Abdul's "Straight Up" sends me back to the bathroom at my mama's house. I'm standing in front of the sink, she's wrapping my hair in hot rollers. I can smell the limey steam coming from the set. I can feel my heart beat for little Isaac Gripka. I'm no more than twelve years old, if that.

"All My Life" once took me back to junior year prom, but after hearing it a thousand times on our Wyoming trip, and saying loudly, "Ohhhhh this reminds me of prom," so many times the other youth members could finish my sentence, it now reminds me of the church bus. Laying across the back seat with Jonna, trying to keep our sanity among the insane. Kevin's eyes in the rearview mirror, fuzzy gray carpet beneath our hands dangling off the seat.

There are hundreds thousands more songs that are associated with a distinct memory. Sometimes I think without music I'd have no memories.

Then there's "Seven Spanish Angels." (instert creepy/dramatic soap-opera music here)

If you'd ask me about the song, I'd just tell you I hate it. Why, you might ask? I don't know. All I know is how it makes me feel.

Now don't get me wrong. There are songs that make me sad ("Always on My Mind"), songs that make me cry ("Christmas Shoes"), songs that creep me out ("Riders on the Storm" anyone? Seriously creepy. And ICP). There are songs that evoke painful memories ("Who's that Man"). Then there's this song.

I can't even explain the feeling I have when I hear it. It makes me uneasy. It makes me feel anxious/sick to my stomach even. It makes me feel sad. I've come to the conclusion there is some repressed memory that is connected to this song, but I haven't found the memory. It's like my emotions know how to react, but my brain can't tell me why. I'm most confident it's an early childhood memory, because it vaguely reminds me of my grandma's old house, and I've hated it for as long as I can remember.

The human mind is an interesting thing. It's a Pandora's Box. Curiosity wants me to open it, but caution tells me not to. For now, I continue to avoid the song and wonder if one day I'll have the bravery to search the depths of my soul for the source of my emotion.

1 comment:

  1. Music is my life! I also connect music with memories and feelings. I enjoyed this post.