I was bombarded with a question just the other day that left me speechless. It made me quesion my life-direction and think on a deeper level than I've allowed myself to do in a long time. It rattled me to my core. Did I mention it came from my five year-old?
She sat in the kitchen while I was washing dishes and innocently asked, "So, whaddaya wanna be next, Mom?"
I turned my head toward her, my brow furrowed, and asked her what she meant.
"Well, you used to be a teacher, den you were a waitress, now you're a mama. Whaddaya wanna do on your next job?" she asked with curiosity in her eyes.
"I dunno," I said to her, and went back to my dishes. I felt a knot in my throat and the sting of impending tears. I didn't know what to think. I've been so busy living so happily in the moment, I haven't thought one bit about where to go from here.
I'm happy being at home, but with Chloe starting school full-time in the fall, I don't know where that leaves me. I could teach, but the thought of being back in the education environment with all its red tape and state-based rules makes me squirm. I love helping kids learn, but I don't want to be back in public school for the life of me.
I know what you're going to say. "Have a baby!" I'm not ruling it out entirely, but with every passing day my acceptable child-bearing years (for ME in MY opinion in MY life) are waning.
I have school debt from my first degree, so a second one isn't looking so attainable.
I'd like to dabble in psychology and sociology.
I'd like to work with pregnant women or new moms...but I don't have the nurse gift. You know, the one where blood and vaginas don't make you queasy. =/ Sorry mom.
So what now?
I'm still writing. And I still love it. Maybe when Chloe is in school all day I will devote more time to that and develop it more? I don't know.
That question left my head spinning, and it's yet to stop. It made me realize my own mortality. It made me realize I no longer have the luxury of being young and having my WHOLE blank-slate of a life ahead of me. I no longer have the luxury of "maybe in a few years..."
Now that I have the life-experience, the trial-and-error, and a better idea of who I am, I don't know where to go or how to get there. So. What's next? Your guess is as good as mine.