Saturday, May 7, 2011

Motherhood: No Escape Clause

It was a cold December afternoon when I was walking down the baby aisle at Walmart with my mom. I was almost four months pregnant, and starting to show a cute little baby-bump. As was my usual routine, I had come to Walmart with my mom to get our groceries together. Each week I was buying a pack of diapers if I had extra room in my grocery budget so that I would be ready when my little bundle of joy arrived the following summer.

I picked up the teeny diapers and put them in my cart. Being excited about the little rumbly in my tumbly, I decided to look up and down the other aisles. I saw baby toys and teething rings. There were cribs and bouncy seats and bottles.

Then I saw it. A potty chair. A big-kid booster seat. Baby food. Toddler food. Pull-ups. Panties.

My heart began to race. It was a thought that hadn't ONCE crossed my mind until that point. This little baby in my tummy was not going to be a baby forever. It was going to be a KID within a few years. Next year at this time I'd be buying baby food and size 3 diapers. In two years this precious bundle would be walking and talking. Entering the terrible twos. And within four years, it would be a pre-schooler. It would have toys and opinions. Soon it would lose it's teeth and grow awkward knees. It would back-talk and get mad at me.

I freaked out.

"OH MY GOSH," I said, my eyes widening.

"What?" Mom asked me.

"I just realized this baby is going to turn into a kid. I'm not ready for a KID!" I said, panicked.

"It will be ok," she assured me, "you've got plenty of time to get ready. It's not even here yet," she said. I tried to calm myself and not over-react, but the truth was, I was scared.

I had been so consumed with baby fever, I hadn't thought of the long-term effects of this pregnancy. What if this baby turned into a kid who was a brat? What if I didn't like it that much as a kid? You may think these are horrible thoughts, but the truth is I was anticipating sharing my LIFE with a kid I'd never met. It didn't matter that it was my child, I wasn't a parent yet and couldn't comprehend what was to come. All I knew was that a potential ornery boy or dramatic girl was going to enter my life, and I wasn't sure I was ready, but there was no turning back. No escape clause. No second-guessing.

I made peace with it, and as the time got closer, I focused more on preparing for the baby coming and less on the OH MY GOSH WHAT AM I DOING aspect of bringing this child into the world.

A few weeks after Mother's Day, I brought home this little bundle...

...and all my worries were gone.

Fast forward five years. Looking back I wish I could go back and comfort myself. I wish I could give that scared new mama a glimpse of the amazing little person she'd get to share her life with.

I have a little girl who adores me. She wants nothing more from me than love, hugs, and attention. Ok and the occasional Barbie doll or candy bar. She's smart, she's HILARIOUS, and she loves me more than anything. She would do anything in her tiny little power to make me happy or proud. She listens. She behaves. She is "new-yeek" as she would say, and she's everything anyone could ever want in a little girl.

On this weekend five years ago, I was a nervous mama waiting to see how the little person inside me would shape my life. Now, I'm a proud mama with an amazing daughter who means everything to me. On Mother's Day I am reminded of all those insecuriteis and uncertainties, and I am so happy they didn't get the best of me. I'm so glad I didn't weigh those options before I conceived. Maybe I'd have changed my mind.

And I can't imagine doing anything differently :)

1 comment:

  1. Aww, what a beautiful post! <3

    Heh, that's exactly what I've said when I think of motherhood: babies & toddlers I can handle no problem - it's the 12-year olds that scare me senseless! O_O