Thursday, September 16, 2010

A Need to Belong

I remember sitting in my child psych class in college one morning when the teacher asked how many of us girls either had (or knew someone who had) ever had an eating disorder.  Almost the entire class raised their hands.  Then she asked how many of us had (or knew someone who had) been abused.  Again, a majority of the hands went up.  Then she asked how many of us had (or knew someone who had) been the victim of sexual misconduct.  Again many hands went up.

The cynic in me wondered how many of the girls were TRUE victims of these things, and how many were over-exaggerating a situation in their lives to gain attention.  Then again, I reminded myself about perspective and decided it didn't matter either way.  Everyone has been hurt or mistreated at one time or another.  Everyone has felt outcast at some time in her life.  Everyone has felt a need to belong.

I happen to need a little real-life research for something I'm writing, and I would LOVE for you to leave me a comment here to help out.  You don't have to sign in.  You can remain anonymous.  I don't track visitors or anything like that, so you're safe :)

So, if you would, answer one or all of the following questions, and be sure to correspond the number to your answer.  Pretty please?

1. Tell me about a time you felt bullied, or just plain left-out.  How did you deal with it?

2. Have you been a victim of abuse of any kind?  Would you consider it mild, moderate, or severe? Elaborate if you'd like.

3. Have you ever been mean to someone just for fun?  Did that person provoke you, or was it random?

4. Tell me something you've done to try to get attention (come on, we've ALL done it!)

5. What annoys you the most about other people's social behavior (ex. exaggerating situations, constant need for attention, people who are fake, people who are always sing-song happy, being calloused, cynical, etc.)?

Ok c'mon guys PLEASE give me some good stuff to work with here!  You can also leave your comments on Facebook if you'd rather, or you can e-mail

Thank you!


  1. Here we go, folks. I'll go first!

    #4: The summer after my freshman year I was 5'9" and weighed 125. Yep. You could see all my bones. I ate well, I was just in that awkward phase before the filling out began ;) Anyway. I digress.

    I was also (and still am) a rather picky eater. If you don't know me personally, let me brief you. I don't eat water-dwelling creatures of any kind. I have a major problem with texture, which means I don't eat mayo, mustard, any creamy dressings, sour cream, cottage cheese, or yogurt. I also only eat ketchup on the OUTSIDE of my food (not on the bun or anything). No beans (texture again). I could go on and on. I also get nervous when people watch me eat.

    Anyway, we used to have these weekly get-togethers at youth group on Sunday afternoons or Sunday after night church. Someone would have us to their home and feed us and have some kind of activity. It was super fun.

    However, a few times in a row the food was something I wouldn't eat. So I'd have a cookie or whatever, and eat at home later. Well my lovely youth leaders noticed, and started mentioning my not eating (and being bone-skinny). First casually, then a little more seriously, eventually asking my mom if I was anorexic (or alluding to it).

    So, what did I do? I made it worse ;) I quit eating at the youth functions all-together. All my friends were talking about how horrible it was they were discussing my eating and my weight, and how they were going to drive me to an eating disorder.

    My mom became irate, not liking that they were fueling this behavior (she saw me come home and inhale three bologna sandwiches [sans mayo]) and knew that because I was so stubborn, this wasn't going to end.

    Summer finally ended and we had a huge hotdog roast, at which I consumed three hotdogs and put an end to the sanity, but that, my friends is the story about how I once tried (and succeded) to get attention. *sheepish look*

  2. #1. I have always felt on the outside looking in. I deal with it, the way I always have...cry, ask God from heart "why" then just move on.
    #2. Severe, maybe that is why I am blogging your questions now? All my life, looking for answers, looking for someone to ask me that question. Never to get the family involved, not wanting to bring them into my pain...mainly my mom...she would blame herself, and I would never want to hurt her.
    #3. That has been my problem, never even hurting people that has hurt me, I want to, but can not bring myself to that level. Always stood up for the the way someone should have stood up for me.
    #4.Kill someone would see the pain on the outside, that I carry on the inside..but then I really did not want to feel anymore pain..

    #5. I try so hard not to judge, because everyone could write their own book. You never know what someone has to carry on the inside. I don't like people that whine about every little thing...they have no idea that life could have given them something to really "whine" about...

    hope this helps you...

  3. 1. I feel like no one understands me. Even my "best" friends have other friends they consider their "best" friends. At the end of the day I know I'm on my own.
    2. I grew up with emotional abuse, but I consider it mild, because I never lived in fear. I just got sick of being cut down and made to feel worthless.
    3. I was never mean to someone just to be mean. I am mean to people behind their backs, but it's to people who have been mean to me, or have made me feel worthless. It's not right, but sometimes I do it anyways.
    4. I used to think about attempting suicide so people would realize that I really did have feelings that got hurt, but I never did. I was afraid I'd really kill myself, and I was afraid to die.
    5. I just dislike when people are nice to peoples faces then turn around and are mean. Like when they pretend to be friends with a kid you know they don't like just to make fun of him or get him to do stuff. Or even grown-ups who are fakey nice when you know they wouldn't really care how you felt or anything.

  4. Wow thanks, guys. It's very honest and I appreciate the answers. Even though you're unidentified, I know it probably isn't easy putting yourself out there like that. These answers are really helpful, and I hope others will answer and read your responses. I think more of us relate to each other than we admit/realize.

  5. Anonymous #1...p.s...Living with pain in your life, dieing will be a piece of cake...Don't want to die now...but...when I do, my pain will finally end. Dieing does not scare is life that makes me shiver...

  6. Q#1. Tell me about a time you felt bullied, or just plain left-out. How did you deal with it?
    A#1. Always in grade school there were kids (they can be so cruel) who bullied others. I remember when a girl named Shannon was with one of her friends at recess, and she kicked snow on me and told me she hated me. We were in 3rd grade. She made me feel like I was a nobody and I just wanted to be accepted.

    Q#2. Have you been a victim of abuse of any kind? Would you consider it mild, moderate, or severe?
    A#2. Since I was in grade school, I have had family members (brother, cousins) try to get me to have sex with them or kiss them. When I started working, I always had co-workers try to hit on me or even ask me to leave my boyfriend/husband. Rumors went around work that I was having an affair and I didn't even do a single thing with these people! At times I felt like I was being sexually harassed! People are so judgemental and will repeat anything to keep the pot stirred. It has hurt my marriage and enforced my distrust in others.

    Q#3. Have you ever been mean to someone just for fun? Did that person provoke you, or was it random?
    A#3. Yes, I have purposefully been mean to kids in high school growing up for no reason at all. It was aimed at the nerds, the weirdo's, etc. because I thought it was cool hurting other people. I thought maybe then I would be accepted more by the jocks, cheerleaders, the in-crowd. I was just hurting those people similar to how I had been hurt in the past. It made me feel better at the time.

    Q#4. Tell me something you've done to try to get attention (come on, we've ALL done it!).
    A#4. Most times I would rather hide in a corner when I was younger than try to get attention. I was very shy. We had a pretty large family growing up and I was one of the youngest kids, so I rarely got attention. My parents were working and were just too busy when they were at home. I had to learn to grow out of my shell realizing that if I didn't, I would never succeed in life. I literally can't stand people who try to gain attention for their own benefit. If being confident in yourself and your abilities is a ploy to get attention, then I am guilty! I try to let others have the glory because obviously they feel they need it.

    Q#5. What annoys you the most about other people's social behavior (ex. exaggerating situations, constant need for attention, people who are fake, people who are always sing-song happy, being calloused, cynical, etc.)?
    A#5. People who are pompous and feel they know everything there is to know about everything, annoy the ever-living crap out of me. Only God is all-knowing and people who believe they are in the same category as Him, have a lot to be desired as far as I'm concerned. We all have a lot to learn - we can NEVER stop learning or we will die inside. Growth and knowledge are very powerful! And people who need their ego's stroked constantly are the second most annoying people living on the face of this Earth. Believe in who you are and your abilities for goodness sake and move on! Don't let someone else's words or actions make you feel good or happy. Make your own happiness and get over yourself!

  7. 1. hmm, well Im no writer like my friend here, and Im no cynic either (or spelling bee champ), I never really felt left out in school, I usually was content being by myself. I daydream too much to have that kind of distraction!

    3. Im only mean when the other party is deserving..I find a small pleasure in being rude, mean disorderly to someone who has disrespected a friend or elderly person!! DONT USE THE DAMN HANDICAP PARKING SPACE IF YOU ARNT HANDICAP,,,YOU'LL END UP WITH A DENT IN YOUR DOOR I GUARANTEE YA. I worked at Wal Mart back in the day,,,cant say I wont do it again,,the DENTS I mean.

    4. Attention,,you will hear me before you see me..HA HA I talk loud only because I have a hearing problem, Its easy to be loud when you cant hardly hear yourself.

    5. Social behavior, how about phyical behavior first, 1st person" Dont look down at me, Ill slap u into next week, For the love of God let the old ladies go first she is sombodys Nanny, Holy shit dont drag your feet god gave you knees lift up your f'in feet(unless you are wearing flip flops those are excused), Dont ask me if I want mayo, okra, sour cream or chinese food when you know I wont eat them,, THE LEFT LANE IS FOR FASTER CARS ie PASSING LANE, dont pull out in front of a simi those guys are trying to be as safe as they can 80,000 lbs wont stop like an escort, If you are in a group and see someone getting trashed on// stand up for them even if you dont know them even if you look stupid you will leave feeling better..
    Have a nice day Andrea LGH..

  8. Thanks for ALL the responses! Oh my friend it took me a while to process all that, but once I saw the clue and knew who you were, I could hear you saying every last word. Made me LOL :) For real (real rhymes with hill, right??) ;)