i waffle.

No, this isn't about some new kind of Apple breakfast gadget. Although, it is kind of catchy.
"Want me to make you breakfast? I'm just dying to use my new i-waffle."  Hehe.

No.

The truth is, I waffle. Verb. As in, I can't make up my mind. I've always been horrible about this. I have a tendency sometimes to just shut-down and ignore something I don't know how to deal with, but lately it's been much worse.

For example, I still don't have baby bedding. It's not because I can't afford it, or because I haven't looked. I have looked. I have even bought a set and taken it back. I've looked at every store between here and the south side of Springfield. I've looked online. At everything. If you tell me what color scheme or theme you want to do in your nursery, I can probably tell you who has what you want for the best price. I KNOW what's out there.

But I can't decide.

It's been that way through this whole pregnancy. We save up some money and head to Springfield bound and determined to finish baby shopping, and then we get in the store and I waffle. I hem-haw as my granny would say. I like this, but I don't want to spend the money. I need this, but not right now, so maybe we should wait. We need bottles, but there are four hundred different kinds and I don't know which ones are best. I like this outfit, but does she need it? She might need more onesies, but maybe not. We'll just wait and see.

Wait and see.

Wait and see.

And usually, although I'm not good at making decisions, I'm a planner. I like to know what is happening and when and be prepared for it.

When I found out Chloe was a girl I already had her room ready. It was all done in Classic Pooh, with a perfect mix of baby blue, pink, green, and yellow, just waiting for extra touches of pink or blue, depending how the ultrasound went.

I didn't have firm names, but as soon as I found out she was a girl, I had named her within 24 hours. By the time I had my baby shower her name was hung on her wall and printed neatly in ink in various places. My shower cake had her name on it. I was ready. I knew what I wanted.

And now I'm so "eh," about everything.

Don't get me wrong. I can't WAIT until this baby gets here. I'm very excited about the arrival and about having a new member of our family. Babies are my FAVORITE and I think about her all the time. But right now I just can't seem to get it in gear. I want to. But I lack something. Motivation? Determination? First-time-mama-crazies? I don't know.

And instead of getting better, it's getting worse.

Much worse.

As in.

That name we picked?

I don't know anymore.

I have dreams that we change our minds and the nurses won't let us change her name.

Chloe or my mom calls the baby by her name and it makes me feel all.....weird.

And the Mister and I still call her bebe, or "the baby." We never refer to her by name. Ever.

I like the name we chose. And if we end up sticking with it, I won't be unhappy or disappointed, I don't think, but there's just something about it that doesn't feel final. I feel unsettled.

But the thought of going back and agreeing on another name is daunting. There's nothing else I necessarily prefer. I just can't seem to shake that feeling that there might be a better choice for her. For us. For me.

Sigh.

Seven weeks and five days.

But who's counting?

Not me. I'm too busy waffling.