i waffle.

No, this isn't about some new kind of Apple breakfast gadget. Although, it is kind of catchy.
"Want me to make you breakfast? I'm just dying to use my new i-waffle."  Hehe.

No.

The truth is, I waffle. Verb. As in, I can't make up my mind. I've always been horrible about this. I have a tendency sometimes to just shut-down and ignore something I don't know how to deal with, but lately it's been much worse.

For example, I still don't have baby bedding. It's not because I can't afford it, or because I haven't looked. I have looked. I have even bought a set and taken it back. I've looked at every store between here and the south side of Springfield. I've looked online. At everything. If you tell me what color scheme or theme you want to do in your nursery, I can probably tell you who has what you want for the best price. I KNOW what's out there.

But I can't decide.

It's been that way through this whole pregnancy. We save up some money and head to Springfield bound and determined to finish baby shopping, and then we get in the store and I waffle. I hem-haw as my granny would say. I like this, but I don't want to spend the money. I need this, but not right now, so maybe we should wait. We need bottles, but there are four hundred different kinds and I don't know which ones are best. I like this outfit, but does she need it? She might need more onesies, but maybe not. We'll just wait and see.

Wait and see.

Wait and see.

And usually, although I'm not good at making decisions, I'm a planner. I like to know what is happening and when and be prepared for it.

When I found out Chloe was a girl I already had her room ready. It was all done in Classic Pooh, with a perfect mix of baby blue, pink, green, and yellow, just waiting for extra touches of pink or blue, depending how the ultrasound went.

I didn't have firm names, but as soon as I found out she was a girl, I had named her within 24 hours. By the time I had my baby shower her name was hung on her wall and printed neatly in ink in various places. My shower cake had her name on it. I was ready. I knew what I wanted.

And now I'm so "eh," about everything.

Don't get me wrong. I can't WAIT until this baby gets here. I'm very excited about the arrival and about having a new member of our family. Babies are my FAVORITE and I think about her all the time. But right now I just can't seem to get it in gear. I want to. But I lack something. Motivation? Determination? First-time-mama-crazies? I don't know.

And instead of getting better, it's getting worse.

Much worse.

As in.

That name we picked?

I don't know anymore.

I have dreams that we change our minds and the nurses won't let us change her name.

Chloe or my mom calls the baby by her name and it makes me feel all.....weird.

And the Mister and I still call her bebe, or "the baby." We never refer to her by name. Ever.

I like the name we chose. And if we end up sticking with it, I won't be unhappy or disappointed, I don't think, but there's just something about it that doesn't feel final. I feel unsettled.

But the thought of going back and agreeing on another name is daunting. There's nothing else I necessarily prefer. I just can't seem to shake that feeling that there might be a better choice for her. For us. For me.

Sigh.

Seven weeks and five days.

But who's counting?

Not me. I'm too busy waffling.

Why you might think twice before saying "never..."

It all started in July 2009 I suppose.

My divorce had just become finalized, and I had just started seeing the Mister regularly. (Way to give myself time to emotionally heal, eh? Well. I worked through most of my failed marriage trauma long before the papers were signed. This was just a technicality.)

My mom had just finished cancer treatments a few months prior, and I had booked us a beach vacation over her birthday in August. Just the girls. Me, Mama, and Chloe. To say I was excited would be an understatement. I had an amazing new guy in my life. I'd had a great summer so far, about to end with a memorable family trip. I had a new job about to begin. I had re-arranged the entire house to be rid of all things XWad and had made it homey and nice for a mama and baby girl making it on their own. And I had a garage full of stuff that needed to be dealt with.

Did I mention I had lost about 30 pounds over the preceeding two years? I was wearing skinny BKE jeans and cute Maurices shirts. I was enjoying my new life, and really had no desire for marriage or children (namely PREGNANCY) in my future. Don't get me wrong. I knew my Mister was meant for me. I just didn't foresee us EVER getting married at that time (fast forward to happily married pregnant me and you can see why one should never say never hehe).

So when I started going through the baby stuff, I saw dollar signs rather than practicality for the future. I priced it all. I kept a few of Chloe's special clothes and shoes, but mostly I was looking for vacation cash. And I got it. Bye bye baby furniture. Pack and play that was nearly new? Gone. Most of her clothes and sleepers gone. Baby shoes and toddler shoes? Buh bye.

People keep saying, "Oh at least since its a girl (or "your second") you won't need as much. You can use all Chloe's old stuff." I just smile and nod, and think back to that warm sand and salty air.

Maybe it wasn't the best decision for the future, but it sure was a good decision at the time. And I wouldn't trade this

for all the baby stuff in the world :)

TGIF!

'Tis Friday again. Thank goodness! I didn't think this week would EVER end! Pregnancy weeks go by soooooo slooooowly anyway, but when you're spending as much time with the Porcelain God as you are with your family, it tends to make it go even mooooooooooore slooooooooooowly. Bleh!

Anyway, to pass the time, how about five questions?

1. Do you apologize to your kids if you're wrong?


I believe we have discussed this before, but yes. If I'm in the wrong, I apologize to little Chloshmo. She is very sensitive, and gets her feelings hurt very easily, and she will let me know if she thinks an apology is in order ;) But by admitting when I'm wrong and apologizing, I hope to instill in her the tendency to do the same. She is a little guilty of playing the blame game, and we're trying to stop that. For example, if she was running in the house, tripped, and broke my expensive vase (should I have one), rather than saying, "Sorry, Mom. I know I shouldn't have been running," she might argue that it's not her fault because I didn't sweep the floor today and the dust caused her to slip. She can be somewhat outrageous, but we're learning.


2. Do you have a class ring, Letterman's jacket, or similar obscenely priced high school "must have"?

To have a letterman's jacket, one must "letter" in something. This mama not so athletic. I'm very tall, and was always prodded to play basketball, but that requires coordination, which I have not. So after a terribly failed attempt in 8th grade, everyone finally gave up on that.

I did letter in academics...........and I had some math club medals..........ok, so you get it now, right? Why I didn't buy the jacket ;)

I did, however, get a class ring. And they saw me comin' they did. If I'm going to have this beautiful heirloom and treasure it for a lifetime, I'm getting the real deal. Gold. Yellow gold. 10k. And those tiny diamonds on the side? NO CZs for me! No no no. And I want my name engraved in it. Not just my name, but my signature.

Mama broke the bank paying for that ring.

And now it sits in my jewelry box, absolutely no refelction of who I was, or who I am. Merely a big gold ring (not one of those new style ones that looks like a pretty girl's ring, no no) with an ugly green stone (It HAS to be the school color!) that I've considered hocking for the gold in desperate times, but was thwarted only by the echoing of the Josten's man's words, "A precious heirloom you'll cherish for years to come...."

I guess I'll wait 'til I'm dead and let my grandkids hock it for a new cell phone or something =/
Other things I got suckered on: Senior pictures, senior book/t-shirt/keyring/key/boxers/invitations/thank you cards/name cards/everythingunderthesun

3. If you could be one age for the rest of your life, what age would you choose?
I used to say forever 21, but really I like 27. I'm not sure why. I think because it's kinda old enough to know better but still too young to care. Old enough to be responsible, be "grown-up" but young enough you can still be "young" when you want to.

But really I'd take anything under 30 and over 21.


4. What is your favorite (unused) baby name?
I can't tell you that.

Because the lil Bebe in my belly has not been named. The Mister and I have not discussed it, and don't plan to until we know the gender.

But, don't tell anyone this.....Mama already has her mind made up :) She just has to figure out how to plant the ideas in Daddy's head so he thinks *HE* thought of them.  Hehehehehehehe.

So. Sorry, world. You no get to know Mama's favorite baby name...because it just might be used soon.
As a kid I always liked the names Kelli and Stephanie (I watched Saved by the  Bell and Full House btw) for girls.

If Chloe was a boy I was going to name her Brady (odd coincidence...Chloe and Brady on Days of Our Lives)

But none of those names are in danger of being used anytime soon, so the secret is still safe ;)


5. If you could make your child like something what would it be?
Vegetables. All of them. Potatoes. Carrots. Green beans. Peas. Peas and carrots.

And organizing.

If only....

...and I can just see you with a baby on the way...

"...and I can just see you with a baby on the way; I can just see you when your hair's turnin' gray...."

It's a line I have always joked was written in the wrong order since I already have some natural highlights. It's from "our song," which is "Then" by Brad Paisley. The one we danced to at our wedding. The one that's held us so close together so many times. The one that always makes him grab my hand and hold it tight. Riding in the car. Riding out one of life's storms. Sitting on the couch. The one that's always described us and our love for each other: ...and I thought I loved you then.

The reference, of course, has a little more meaning now. A few weeks ago we were a little surprised to find out we're going to have a little baby coming into our lives. The journey to this particular revelation is something so deeply personal that I don't want to go into great detail about it, but I wanted the chance to announce it officially.

Unfortunately around here it's hard to beat the rumor mill. We told our closest family and friends the news, for fear it would leak and they'd find out second-hand, but despite our best efforts to keep it "in the family" for a few weeks, it spread like wildfire and I'm sure it's not news to anyone very local.

I'm a little irritated, if you can't tell. I wanted to keep a lid on it for a while. Wanted some time for us to get used to it. Some time to adjust. The chance to tell all my friends myself. But that's what happens in a small community I guess.

Otherwise I'm happy. Happy I can once again feel life grow within me. Happy I get to hold and nurture a squishy newborn. Happy to smell that new baby smell. Happy to tickle toes and laugh at the simple things in life. Happy to share our love and life with a precious little child.

Happy that every day that passes is one day closer to the second trimester, and full of hope that this constant sickness is going to go away.

But mostly just happy :)