I Still Teach English

Every now and then when the house is all clean and I'm a little bored, I spend more time than normal on my blog. I read all the newest posts, even the ones that don't seem so interesting. I look through my daily page stats, and sometimes, like today, I look at the things like Google search terms. That's right. Ol' Blogger will tell you HOW people found your page.

It's not uncommon for me to see any part of Toy Story 2's Jessie the Cowgirl quote, "Sweet Mother of Abraham Lincoln! The Prospector! He'll wanna meet'cha!" That was the title for my Halloween blog, and I get an odd number of hits to that post because of that Google search.

Today, however, I was pleased as punch to see the following Google search term: "What's a bow-boy's butt-shaft?"

You know what it is, right? Because I told you in this post.

That question lead some unknowing reader to my blog. I like to imagine it was a high school student who was reading Romeo and Juliet for class. Maybe she had a young, bratty journalism major of a teacher who didn't study Shakespeare and didn't know. Maybe today in class that student raised her hand and said, "I found out what a butt-shaft is, since you didn't know on Friday," feeling all smug in proving the teacher wrong. The boys would snicker, and the young journalism major would act like she didn't care that she couldn't answer the question. The girl would, in turn, explain that the blind bow-boy is Cupid and a butt-shaft is an arrow, and she knew because some stay-at-home mom slash waitress told her on a blog.  :) The journalism teacher would make a note to herself to buy Cliff's Notes, read Spark Notes, or maybe just read a little more Shakespeare, because that teacher edition just doesn't tell you everything!

Or maybe some kid has to read this part on his own at home because he ditched school to smoke cigarettes and drink liquor under the bleachers on Friday. Now he's trying to wade through it and has NO IDEA what any of it says, but he's pretty sure butt-shaft has to be some kind of gay reference. He Googles it so he can tell his teacher that he was right, Shakespeare really IS gay, even though that's not what he meant when he said it earlier in the week. Sorry, young rebel, to have burst your bubble.

The possibilities are endless, but it warms my heart to know that I taught someone Shakespeare this week.  Er. Kinda :)

The Blind Bow-Boy's Butt-Shaft

It's kind of a Valentine's Day tradition for me to post this poem. A few years ago a good friend of mine told me she was going to be the Grinch who stole Valentine's Day when we were commiserating about what an awful holiday it is (I still hate it, btw, even being "in love and all engaged" [name that song?]). So. I wrote this little poem and I just can't go a Valentine's Day without posting it. Oh and if you're not versed in Shakespearean, "the blind bow-boy's butt-shaft" is translated as "Cupid's arrow" in your terms. It's from Romeo and Juliet, which brings even more irony to the poem. Enjoy!

"The Blind Bow-Boy's Butt-Shaft"


"I'm gonna be the Grinch who stole Valentine's Day," she said.
I just laughed at her and shook my head.
But then the thought occurred to me,
Just how famous she could be.

The single girls would sing her praise.
Hallmark would be closed for days.
She'd be a hero to poor college boys.
Save parents from buying cheezy toys


She'd definitely go down in history
They'd show her picture on tv
She'd be looking cross, yet awfully proud
There'd be a screaming, roaring crowd

The cookies and the candies, too
Would melt and rot and turn to goo.
The flowers all would wilt and die.
No dozen roses from your guy.

She'd be infamous throughout the world
The wretched, lonely Valentine girl*
She'd snarl at cutesy heart-shaped cards
And Valentine boxes and lyrics from bards.

She'd hate my cheezy, rhyming lines
They'd slap her with all kinds of fines
But she'd take joy in killing the day
It's a day of misery, anyway

So if your flowers disappear,
Don't sniffle, pout, or shed a tear.
We'll all be better in the end
Thanks to my grinchy Valentine friend.

*Disclaimer: As always, I must express that this is written in jest and good fun, and I find the "grinch" neither lonely nor wretched.